A sword is an interesting tool, in the hands of someone evil, it will destroy, kill and main people. However, in the hands of someone with a hint of remorse, a hint of a soul, a tool such as this would cause the same thing. Because you see, ultimately the sword was designed to kill people – a sharp, thin blade with a pointed edge to make for effective entry. It does not matter if you are good or evil, the purpose of this weapon does not fade in different hands, even if you are a warrior of light, the use of a sword is to destroy, something, someone. When you see yourself as a warrior of the light, it is easy to forget the bigger picture. I wielded a sword of unspoken truth, I was not afraid to get in your face and tell you that your nightmares were real, your worst fears were true, lower your self-esteem because the truth is ultimately what you needed to hear. Right?
No.
The truth as I understand, is much like a sword, it can hurt, maim or even kill people. It does not matter what your intention is, ultimately you have to carry the responsibility from your actions with you. When you experience firsthand, what kind of damage you can cause, you being to waiver under pressure, fall even. Because it does not matter, that your intention was good, the process of watching someone fall to tears, is never fun. Sure your intentions might be good, but when people are hurt for something that you caused, you begin to doubt if you were ever doing the right thing at all. As I learned, the truth, well the truth is a tricky thing, you always have to guess whether what you are stating is ultimately beneficial or detrimental to someone. Is one kiss that was meant to be forbidden, better left hidden to the unbeknown third party, or is such a moment of weakness better left hidden from the world?
A long time I was so sure, about what was right, what was wrong and what I should know. I knew, that I wanted the truth, I prefer to know the truth and be hurt then not know anything at all. For me the truth hurt, but a lie was worse, and I extended that policy to those around me. This view was wrong and these days, I no longer talk about truths and avoid telling them. I bear many secrets for many people, which I would at one time not have hesitated to tell. One thing changed, to change my position.
Firstly, in my clear over-estimation of my own confidence, I demanded to know the truth between my ex and my best friend. Deep down I knew, but I needed to hear it, had to be so sure that my anger could be justified by more than rumours. The result was myself being broken to tears, no longer caring for the world, wanting to find a bridge and jump off it. You do not want to miss the two people in life, that you trust most in one hit, it does not make for a strong base. But my conscious had to battle with a very confusing question, I had been so sure about wanting to know, how and why did it obliterate me and my trust. Which left me with a second question, was I doing the same thing? Had I said things, that had left people like that? Been so inconsiderate that people cried over what I said. The answer was yes.
There was a time that I had a big ego, inflated due to constant success. This was a problem, as I proudly flaunted my invincibility. People chipped away at it regularly, for my own good. They said harsh truths, which I needed to hear. I sure as hell, could not go on like I was. At the end of Year 12, it had gotten within reasonable lengths, but it needed work still. For one year, I perfected the technique that is a bastard. Selfish, nasty, rude, careless and generally emotionally unavailable, blind to my own arrogance. This affected not just, me, but people close to me and those that looked up toward me for guidance.
That single event in my life, was a life-turning event. It made me vulnerable, make me realise that I wasn’t invincible. Made me realise that other people are not invincible. I regret what I did.
Five months ago, I stopped posting. The pressure became too much, I cannot no longer use this blog as a way out. You see, half the posts were an outlet of frustration in the first place anyway. A place where I could posts thoughts, that could not hurt people. They did not cause fights, insecurities because they did not read them. That is until it did and I no longer had the strength to post. Because deep down I knew, that even by making random posts here, somehow it would still get back to people.
So why do I return?
Because I am a wreck of my formal self. There is no ego left in my brain, I am insecure, shy and awkward where I used to be the polar opposite. This is partly due to bullying and belittling at work, rocky relationships, lies and a over burdened work schedule. I drove myself into the ground and kept pushing and pushing, finally until one tiny small insignificant fact pushed me over the edge.
I look back on two years on life and recall some good moments, some bad, but I feel like I have wasted two years of my life, chasing someone’s dream. People call me successful, I call myself troubled. People look at me in adoration, I look at myself in disgust. I wasted two years and now must restart and head in the right direction. But that is exactly the question, what is the right direction? How do I know what way to go, it is so ingrained in my brain to take the direction that people tell me to, that now, I have to make my own choice, I am not sure where to go.
I vent tonight, because letting it build up has created a larger problem. I know deep down that these fears and doubts that have set in stone are wrong. I am still a confident, good person somewhere down there, I just lost that somewhere on the way over the last two years. I have failed not just myself, but those people around me. I should have listened, when I didn’t. I made friends worry about me and my life, confused about what direction I was heading.
I am living a lie, often seeing people I regard as friends, but do not actually trust. People who have a history or letting me down, people I have let down in return as well. But ultimately to one of them, I am just a tool in his game. I no longer will do that, I want to be valued.
Tonight I face my fears and insecurities and tackle them headlong. If I don’t find answers tonight, I don’t think I’ll ever will. Not here anyway.
Let me flip the coin of faith… one last time…
- T.D.
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